Billiam Lakeo'beere's Raito and Lawliet
by Darkblade701
Summary: Death Note Romeo and Juliet style! Well, mainly just in name. A quintilogy in twelve parts, set for no conceivable reason in old fashioned London. Within: Raito and L try to make their love bloom but will the battle between Kira, Y and Z tear them apart?
1. Chapter 1

A parody of Romeo and Juliet mainly in name, this is a five chapter parody of Death Note in twelve parts and set for no conceivable reason in old fashioned London. Please find enclosed Parts I, II and III.

Raito and L try to make their love bloom but will the battle between Kira, Y and Z tear them apart? Who _are _Kira, Y and Z? What's the deal with Near and Mello? Seriously? Don't take anything for granted, and enjoy.

DISCAIMER: I own no part of Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata's Death Note whatsoever.

SPOILERS: Entirety of Death Note manga and logically anime.

* * *

Billiam Lake'obeere's

Raito and Lawliet

Chapter 1

I. Boredom

"Light, breakfast is served, if you care to join us," came Raito's father's voice through the closed bedroom door. Raito shook himself awake.

"My name is Raito!" Raito shouted at his father, sitting up in bed.

"Yeah, like you can complain, son," Raito's father retorted, "You never call me by my name, and hardly ever even 'Dad'-"

"Yeah, whatever! I'll be down in five minutes!"

Raito got out of bed, washed his face and then pulled on his cloak. He then affixed his sunglasses, completing his signature look- red and white striped winter pyjamas, long brown cloak and sleek black, stylish sunnies, with messy brown hair. Raito grinned at his reflection, then went downstairs, sliding down the banister and neatly hopping off before he impaled his thigh on the pointy ornament on the end of the handrail.

"Morning Mum. Morning, Hitler," he said as he strode into the dining room, appearance permanently at odds with the formal dress his parents favoured. He eased into a chair, grinning. A variety of juices and differently browned toasts adorned the table, and he had what he always had- a stack of pancakes delivered by the family's personal maid who totally ever appears again.

Sachiko and Adolf Yagami glared at their son. Adolf returned to the newspaper, then exploded, spraying his wife with food: "_Mein Gott_! Kira the Ripper has struck again!"

"That warrants shouting?" growled Sachiko. She then added in an undertone to Adolf, "And speaking in German is part of the reason Kira calls you Hitler."

"You mean Light," corrected Adolf.

"My name is Raito!" said Raito loudly. "God, I'm going for a walk. This place is über irritating." He crammed a pancake in his mouth and walked out into the street, into the chilly London morning. The sun was bright but the air was cold and briefly Raito wished his fashion statement allowed him to pull his cloak around him.

He walked the streets for a while and casually swiped a newspaper. He unfolded it and the Kira story leapt out at him. It read:

_Kira the Ripper has struck again!_, which explained his father's exclamation.

_Yet another of London's criminals, a notorious thief, has been murdered by the ruthless serial killer. Self described 'ultra detective', known only as 'Z', claims that with each murder Kira commits he is stripping away the layers separating him from justice._

"_Why, with this latest murder," Z proclaims, "I have deduced that Kira is mainly targeting criminals."_

_However, as anonymous correspondent and 'actual genius detective' 'Y' claims, "Z has no right to label himself a genius detective. The fact that Kira the Ripper is targeting criminals was clear from the third murder, one year ago. Z should quit the case and would be made to if we knew who the hell he was."_

_And indeed, Kira the Ripper himself in one of his rare comments wrote in: "At the moment, due to how annoying he is, I'm going to try to kill Z before my real arch enemy, Y." The letter is of course being examined for clues as to Kira's whereabouts or identity._

_Police Chief Gordon says it is still not certain how Kira kills, although evidence suggests a knife may be crucial to the act. "We can't rule anything out," Y adds._

Raito threw the paper in the bin and walked on for abut ten minutes into the nearest milk bar, intent on purchasing a chocolate bar. He picked up a Venus Bar, then got in line behind a young man.

"And this one, aaand this one," the person was saying, handing over, one by one, an armful of various candy bars. Raito glared at the back of the man's head. The person who was delaying him had black hair. He wore a white shirt and blue jeans, and unless Raito was much mistaken the stranger wore no socks.

"Do I get a discount for being a genius?" he asked.

"No. Nineteen quid," the shopkeeper replied gruffly.

"Hm. Do you take cheques?"

"Of course we- wait, you're not going to buy chocolate with a cheque, are you?"

"Yep."

A pause.

"L Lawliet? That is _not_ your name."

"I get that a lot. Good day, sir."

"Whatever. Go on, take your damn candy."

L turned and bumped into Raito. Raito caught a sudden glimpse of startled puppy dog eyes over deep bags before L straightened and apologized, and Raito moved on.

As he stood outside in the cold air, eating, Raito looked around at the world he saw. He saw argument, he saw anger and hate.

"Someone really ought to clean this world up," he said darkly, then chuckled. L Lawliet, who had glanced backward, heard this and left. Raito put his hands in his pockets and whistled the funeral march. He finished his chocolate bar. He checked if there were any parties that day that he could gatecrash, but there were none.

_God, I'm bored_. Boredom, huh. Being bored sure was... boring. There was just nothing to do. He would have studied, but his parents wanted him to.

And so after walking around for an hour and drinking three Red Bulls, Raito conceded that he had no choice but to go home.

He walked through the gate, into the entranceway and was just about to make a break for the stairs but his father called him into the dining room. Hands deep in pockets, Raito strode into the dining room, eyes firmly planted on his shoes. He lifted his gaze sharply and scowled deeply, resentfully, at his parents. His mother scowled back with pure venom.

"Son, Light," Adolf Yagami began, then corrected himself as Raito's hands balled into fists "sorry, _Raito_, you've been very moody of late. Is there anything you want to talk to us about? Is it girl problems?"

Raito, keeping the same expression, waited five seconds and then turned and walked out of the room without a word. He went upstairs to his room, stuck a Slayer CD on and turned the volume up as high as it would go to annoy his parents.

He thought, for one of the first times ever, about what his father had said. Girl problems. Now Raito thought about it, he had never actually had a girlfriend that he had respected in the slightest as a human being.

For some reason the image of puppy dog eyes flashed through his brain. He shook his head, then leaned back, closing his eyes.

Ryuk the Shinigami drifted through the window and looked down at Raito.

II. Confluence

_In which several key characters enter the story_

_Kira's onslaught continues, new evidence shocks police!_ was the headline of the day's paper. Raito swiped it from the newspaper stand and read it, walking into the milk bar, this time to get milk.

_Two new bodies have turned up, one and a half miles away and within twelve minutes of each other. Since no one was seen running by any witnesses- who were questioned on Y's orders, Y concludes that Kira must own an automobile. All owners of automobiles are being questioned, but Y claims that "this in highly unlikely to magically solve our case. It is useful, no doubt, this information, but hardly conclusive." Z claims that "the guy must be able to move fast, to get there in time"._

_The victims were convicted counterfeiters, released on bail. Kira has made none of his cryptic comments such as the ever baffling 'the poo-poos are the ones who will not be blamed, but they should'._

Raito hummed to himself. _What _did _that mean?_

He returned to the house a few hours later, and made the mistake of meeting his mother's eyes.

"Did you get mugged on the way home, dear?" she asked after an entire minute of silence that would be dead easy to animate. Raito shook his head. Sachiko Yagami tutted, gave Raito the finger and walked away.

"She really _does_ hate me, doesn't she, Hitler?" Raito asked in wonderment.

"Nah, she's just... you're not the easiest, and she's not- I mean..." Adolf stumbled, knowing that there was a way to get out what he was trying to say, and was determined to find it.

Raito walked off.

"You know, I really _hate_ our son," Sachiko remarked when Adolf followed her into the living room. "Not in the usual, 'oh, I hate you' fashion, I really, really detest him. Literally. Frankly, I don't see how you put up with him."

Later that day, Adolf Yagami pushed open the door to Raito's room.

"Light?" he said. "We're having guests over tonight. I know you like to eat up here when you're being particularly, um..."

Raito sat up, grinning. "Well, I'll have to eat with you guys. I'd hate to... deprive our guests of my good company." He chuckled darkly and Adolf blanched.

That night, Raito messed up his hair, polished his the lenses of his sunglasses and sauntered downstairs confidently, fashionably late, of course- fifteen minutes after the meal had started. Raito dropped in beside a young man who looked familiar. This young man was L, and he somehow sat in a crouch, feet on the chair and holding his knees to his chest. Raito noticed he held his fork very delicately.

"Sup," he said, nodding. L extended a hand as though his arm was bent around three poles and Raito shook it. "Hey, I know you," he continued "we go to the same milk bar."

"I am L. I don't mean to be rude, but can I test your reasoning abilities?"

"Sure. Sounds like fun."

"Does the fact that I told you I'm L tell you anything?"

"Yes. That that's your name. Your full name is L Lawliet. I was standing behind you when the guy at the milk bar told me your name."

"What?" exploded a girl sitting on the other side of Raito. "How dare you make fun of L like that?"

She had medium length blonde hair and wore leather. She was also grossly fat, and took up two seats. She looked about fifteen.

"Who's this chick?" Raito asked L, indicating her with a thumb.

"My name," she said, grabbing Raito's shoulder "is Michelle Keehl. But my friends call me Mello."

"What friends?" called a voice from the other side of L. A short kid, who looked only about thirteen, and had psychedelically blue, red and green coloured hair, sat there.

"Screw you Near!" Mello shouted immediately "what the hell kind of name is Nate River?"

Near ignored her, continuing to eat.

"Mello, stop being so disagreeable, we're at a guest's," L chastised.

"Yes, L," Mello said instantly, abashed.

"And Near," he continued and Near bowed his head, ashamed, "Don't say Mello has no friends and is overweight."

Near lifted his head in puzzlement and Mello's eyes filled up with tears- she left the table, pulling a Toblerone from inside her tight fitting and- now Raito saw- entirely unflattering leather clothes.

"Damn," L muttered, and shouted to Mello, racing after her, "I didn't mean it! Mello, I'm sorry!"

Raito edged into L's seat and Near shied away.

"I'll talk to you, but please don't touch me- I'm keeping myself pure until L gives me a pat on the head one day." Raito backed away more hurriedly than was necessary.

"Hey," Near said hotly, noticing Raito's expression "when I'm eighteen, he'll only be twenty-nine. And he _does_ like guys."

Raito at that point happened to look across the table and saw the guests horrified and his parents in particular looking awkward.

"Excuse me sirs," he said, eager to exploit the moment, "I'm just going to take some mashed potato and eat it."

Raito shovelled mashed potato into his mouth as fast as he could, making sure to get some down his front. He grinned through a mouthful of food, licked his hand, scooped up gravy- still with his hand and ate out of his hand, dribbling it everywhere while he talked to Near: "Like the hairstyle. So why'd L have to go after Mello like that? And what is _with_ your nicknames?"

"You have to understand," Near began, "L is our idol. We would do anything for him, anything at all. But we're barely half his age. And we're under the legal age anyway. So whatever L says determines our entire lives. Once, after L accidentally called Mello fat, we found her in the basement, trying to hang herself, but she couldn't get up onto the stool, 'cause she's too fat. I'd react the same way. His words determine life or death for us. And I know, don't I have the coolest hair ever? L says it's extreme."

Raito rolled his eyes as Near continued in this fashion, praising L and talking about how cool his hair was. The basic story was that L complimented his hair (once) but said (once) that it would look cool all rainbow (once). So Near attacked a piece of paper with red, blue and green crayons and gave it to the hairdresser, along with a thousand pounds, saying he wanted his hair to look psychedelic in those exact shades of those three colours.

Raito looked up again to see that the other guests had left.

III. Hard Run

_Kira remains at large! Still!_

_And he has killed one of his enemies, the self proclaimed genius detective Z. Z, whose real name was Zed Zorc, had been discovered dead in his apartment by his landlord, who claimed Z was two or three years behind on his rent. He had been stabbed to death. Evidence found at the scene confirmed that Zed was indeed the Z who claimed to be working on the Kira case._

_Y has remained adamant that he will not back down. "Even though Z was an idiot, his death has only fuelled my desire to capture this Kira the Ripper and see him hang."_

_Nevertheless, Kira remains confident._

_In fact, since we can't capture him, the Wham! (Where the Hell Are my Macadamias!) Institute is sending in three more genius detectives to help solve the case. M, M and N, as they are known, have taken up residence in an undisclosed location just south of the River Thames, although now we have revealed this it is estimated that they will all move._

"As if," said Raito as he read the paper over breakfast, "The Wham! Institute is so stupid. What's the point, if they announce it like this? If they're going to send in all those detectives, they should keep quiet about it and let them work in secret. Z wasn't exactly on a top secret mission, and look what happened to him. If Kira knows about these guys, he's going to get them too, for sure. That's why I bet it isn't even true. This is just a ruse to put pressure on Kira. But it's pretty obvious, so I bet Kira's figured that out, too."

"_Some_ people find that when you say stuff like that, Raito, you're being an insufferable smartass, and these same people want to punch you in the mouth," said Sachiko calmly.

"Sachiko!" cried Adolf, scandalised. A rock smashed through the window, and attached to it was a note, which read: _leave Quillsh Wammy alone! Just because he's getting a bit confused in his old age, you think you can call his institute stupid? You smelly poo-poo._

Raito glanced at his mother once as she read it out and then yawned and walked out of the house.

"Damn, I hate that boy," muttered Sachiko, "I simply _hate_ him. I really do."

Outside, Raito walked for about an hour, bored again. He thought he saw L at one point, but it turned out to be someone who looked and acted identically to him with an ego the size of Uranus. Raito snickered to himself.

He eventually came to the River Thames. Noticing a house for sale, and the moving van turning out of the parking space in front of it, Raito put two and two together and ran after it.

It would certainly be a hard run.

Raito pounded down the bitumen, snickering to himself at the name bitumen, as well as the word asphalt. He gathered speed more quickly than the moving van and nearly ran in front at the turn but lost his nerve and he faced the van as it turned into a side street not very far from the corner it had just turned. He cut across the street, hoping to catch it at the next corner and van and boy reached it at the same time but before Raito could attract the driver's attention the van sped up and turned left; by the time Raito reached the corner the van was turning the next one and Raito was out of breath. He looked right and saw the street opposite, traffic lights turning red.

Hoping the reason the van had turned left was because to the right there was a row of trees, Raito ran through the strip of greenery and emerged as the traffic lights turned green along a parallel but inaccessible- without going around the whole block- street. Then the van drove past, leaving an out of breath Raito staring after it as it drove down another street. Damn. He had wanted to talk to L, too.

Ever since last night, when he and L had exchanged a few parting words, Raito had been unable to get the young man out of his mind.

"How did you know those three?" Raito had asked his father.

"Oh, they're just gatecrashers," he had replied, "We were supposed to be having a dinner party but two of the families didn't come, so it was just Mr. and Mrs. Penber..."

By this time, of course, Raito was long gone, walking upstairs to his room.

Raito gave the chase up and walked into a nearby Indian takeaway. He sat under a beach umbrella on an outside table.

"Yes, can I take your order?" the waitress asked.

"A bowl of curry," he said, "Medium-hot, and a Diet Coke."

Suddenly the beach umbrella blew away and invisible claws gripped the undersides of his arms. Raito toppled forward and then was lifted high into the air. Raito screamed, terrified. He was twice the roof height and climbing, and he could feel the pain of the claws digging into him.

He could hear slow, measured wing beats through the whistling of the wind.

"I am going to reveal myself to you," came a disembodied voice from above. "Don't panic and try and free yourself, or you will fall."

They were drifting over the Stereotypical American Redneck district of London now, and Raito mentally steeled himself for what he might see. He nodded.

A horrific creature appeared above him. Humanoid, though long limbed, with bulging eyes and grey skin, not to mention wings, the monster stared down at him. Raito stared in horrified fascination.

"I am Ryuk," said the creature, "And I'm helping you to catch that van. Ah, there it is."

"What are you?" Raito said, and suddenly they plunged downward, toward the parked moving van.

"I'm a Shinigami," he said, levelling their flight, "A-"

There was a gunshot, and Raito was suddenly falling. Ryuk was falling downward, smoke pouring from the gunshot wound. Suddenly Ryuk snapped his wings out and glided away, and Raito hit the ground hard. Stars exploded in his vision.

"Dern vultures," Raito heard a voice say, and he raised his head to see an inhabitant of the Stereotypical American Redneck district holding a smoking rifle, a cigar clamped between his teeth, looking in the direction Ryuk had been. He walked off. Raito stumbled out of the cornfield and walked until he came to the moving van, outside which stood L, Mello, who was eating a chocolate bar, Near and a person who was not familiar, a young man with black hair.

"Ah, Raito," L greeted him, "I see you decided to drop in. This is Matsuda," he added, indicating the stranger.

Matsuda smiled pleasantly "Hel-lo, Raito," he said with a vacant stare.

"Where's the rainbow head?" asked Mello. Matsuda looked around, spotted Near and pointed to him. Near scowled, but Mello took a cookie out of her pocket. Matsuda lifted it carefully out of Mello's hand with his teeth and ate it, still only with his teeth.

"Raito is a _friend_," said L slowly, tapping Raito's shoulder. Instantly Near's eyes narrowed at the contact and shot Raito a gaze of concentrated venom mixed with jealously. Mello had a similar reaction.

"Friend," said Matsuda, patting Raito's chest, looking at L for reassurance, which he received.

"I am not going to hit you," Mello said now to Matsuda. "Do you believe me?"

Unthinkingly Matsuda nodded, utter trust in his eyes. Mello punched him in the side of the face, and laughed. Matsuda was hurt, and looked betrayed.

"I am not going to hit you," Mello said again to Matsuda. "Do you believe me?"

Again Matsuda nodded, the same mindless trust in his eyes. Mello punched him in the chest, and laughed as Matsuda stumbled backward.

"Mello, stop taking advantage of Matsuda's ridiculous trustfulness," L said, "You never know when he may shoot you, and besides, it's cruel."

"We were going to have Matt, but he died of lung cancer," Near said, twirling a lock of multicoloured hair around his index finger, "So we got the first person whose name began with 'M'."

Raito nodded. "Makes sense. Hey L, 'Shinigami' means 'god of death', right?"

"Yes, Raito."

"Hm."

* * *

See what I mean with 'what's the deal with Near and Mello?'? Yeah, I couldn't resist making Mello a girl. Also, as you may have noticed, the parts so far are named after each volume of the manga. So volume 4, which is called 'Love', corresponds to 'IV. Love', which is in the next chapter. Also in the next chapter we are introduced to Misa.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter two, featuring parts IV-VI.

* * *

Billiam Lakeo'beere's

Raito and Lawliet

Chapter 2

IV. Love

_In which there is a tennis game_

"So what's the deal with freako and freakette?" Raito asked L offhandedly. The two were walking around the house outside which the moving van had been parked. They had moved the couch inside and the driver, who wanted to milk them for money, was taking one item at a time and as such he and Matsuda were travelling back to the other house to get a desk.

The house was two storeys, and bare except for a bed in each room and a couch downstairs, but Raito hardly paid attention, much more interested in talking to L.

"Near and Mello? Well, they both worship me for some reason," L said, "And to be honest it's a bit unsettling. When they were younger, they looked up to me and tried to emulate me. Unfortunately, they imitated my quirks and look really stupid. Well, mainly Near. He just tries to... act like me, I suppose, but..."

"You're one of a kind, and Near can never be as good as you at anything," Raito supplied promptly.

"Pretty much. He's not even interesting, so once I said he should do something out there, really try to be his own person. So there he was, fascinated by everything I was saying as usual, playing with his hair, and I said, 'like your hair. It'd be cool if you, I dunno, dyed it like psychedelic colours or something' and he... did. But at least Mello copying my sweet tooth has become her own thing. How she's eating chocolate all the time. That's why she's so..." L lowered his voice, "_O__verweight_. Literally, and I mean literally, three quarters of what she eats is chocolate."

Raito glanced back at Near and Mello, who were not-so-inconspicuously following them and sure enough Mello was cramming M&Ms in her mouth by the handful.

"Well, at least Near's thing isn't getting him killed," L continued, and Raito was eager to let him continue, "I mean, you heard about Matt? Well, I think I said two guys in a western looked cool, and because they both smoked, Matt started to. I couldn't get him to stop. He died two days ago."

L heaved a mighty sigh.

"And did he look cool?" Raito asked sadly.

"... Yes," L admitted. "Yeah, he really did."

"This is all a bit confusing. You lot clearly aren't brothers. Well, brothers and sister because Mello's a chick."

"Yes, she is," L said.

"Yes," Raito agreed blankly.

"Mello is a girl," L said again, almost distractedly.

"Mello _is_ a girl," Raito said, almost as if to confirm it.

"Yes."

"Yes."

"... Ahem. Well, we grew up at the same place; Quillsh Wammy's School for Orphaned Smartasses."

"So the Wham! Institute is a... subdivision?" Raito hazarded.

"Yeah, accurate enough," L confirmed.

"Right, subdivision. Subdivision of the School that trains detectives. And they sent Mello, Near and Matsuda to catch Kira the Ripper."

"Quite astute," L said, impressed. "Your reasoning abilities are quite impressive, Raito."

Raito smiled shyly. "Aww... thank _you_..."

The two had reached the back door. The yard had a clothesline and tennis court, and also a bomb shelter and lemon tree.

"Well, that's our new house," said L, then added, "There's a tennis court there. You play?"

"Yes," replied Raito, "I was the junior high champion for two years running."

"How convenient. I was the British junior champion."

"That _is_ convenient."

The two strode into the tennis court, and selected racquets from a rack.

"So L plays tennis," remarked Near to Mello, "I think I'll learn to play, to impress him."

Near was crawling along behind the row of bushes that ran parallel to the fence eavesdropping on L and Raito. Mello, crouching, walked slowly forward carrying a potted palm tree in front of her as she too followed L and Raito.

Mello nodded to Near, then when L looked away sprinted toward the fence around the court, sliding up to the fence like a baseball player into home base before whipping the tree around to conceal her. However, even though the tree was short and squat, Mello's considerable bulk clearly showed from behind the trunk.

L noticed her, glanced around and easily spotted Near, but ignored them and stretched. He grabbed a tennis ball and bounced it, bouncing himself on his toes.

"So should we warm up?" asked Raito, and when he was met with a quizzical glance remarked, "Hey L, you ever hear of warming up?"

"Nope." L threw the ball high, raising his racquet and in a vicious stroke smacked the ball down the middle, just next to the line. It bounced out before Raito could respond.

"Hey L, you ever hear of warming up?"

L paused before replying. "I _just_ said that I hadn't."

"Oh, right," muttered Raito, scratching his head in an embarrassed fashion.

The two moved along their baselines to their new squares, and L served again. Raito countered, thwacking the ball along the very edge of the court. L ran to get it and sliced the tennis ball, sending it spinning towards Raito's court. It barely went over, and its bounce was cut short by its spin but Raito anticipated its bounce and slammed it down fast. L failed to reach it, and he lost the point.

Raito grinned. L served again, and Raito shot it diagonally across the court. L responded with another powerful slam, and Raito fumbled the return, barely dropping it across the net. L let it bounce up, then a backhand sent it almost parallel to the net. Raito had no hope of returning it, and let it go.

L's next serve was almost too fast for Raito to counter but he did so. L moved up and pressed his advantage, with one diagonal shot that Raito could barely return, and then one in the opposite direction which he could not.

The next game was an intense volley that Raito eventually won but L aced him and the first game was L's.

The two continued playing for a while, and Raito won the first set, L the second. In the breaks between sets, the two talked, blatantly ignoring the bulging eyes of Near staring from the hedge, wide as the tennis balls they were playing with. Mello too studied them carefully from her incredibly obvious hiding spot which barely qualified as such- even though she had added a pair of smaller trees she was still clearly visible. Not to mention that dozens of chocolate wrappers littered the ground.

Raito wiped the sweat out of his eyes, and with a mighty slam aced L, winning himself his second set. For ten minutes they had traded advantages on that same deuce but finally Raito had won. L panted, and they both had a short relax.

To Raito's dismay L won the next set with irritating ease. And after a series of powerful slams and blisteringly fast volleys Raito was behind, five to six in the fifth set.

A man was looking across the fence, thinking that he should make them play tennis professionally and give him money somehow. He never appeared again, by the way.

Thwack! The tennis ball whipped across the court, but a swift backhand dropped it at the front of the court. Raito slammed it diagonally, very fast but L returned it, excellent placement winning the point. Fifteen-love.

An intense baseline volley followed, but after a weaker than usual shot L ran forward, deflecting the ball easily. It landed on the line directly at his feet. Raito leapt back and returned it, lobbing it high over L to the back of the court.

The volley resumed but L had the advantage and pressed it; he won with a spectacular backhand. Raito was panting, and irritated at L's apparent lack of exertion.

Behind her row of ridiculously conspicuous potted trees, Mello watched eagerly as L dropped a backhand slice just over the net. It bounced back upwards, reaching its zenith barely above the level of the net. Raito ran forward and slashed at the descending ball but it slammed directly into the top of the net, dropping and hitting the ground on his side of the court.

Forty-love.

And twenty seconds later L dived, literally dived for a shot Raito _knew _he couldn't make. In midair L smashed the ball diagonally. It did not touch the top of the net, and curved downwards in its flight arc. It touched the very edge of the line, and L grinned. Raito stared with dismay. He had beaten, and in the last game he was...

L's face burst into his mind.

Love.

V. Whiteout

"You know who _I _admire?" asked Sachiko casually. "My daughter Sayu."

Raito rolled his eyes. _Here we go again_, he thought.

"Because she was so independent," Sachiko continued in a tone heavy with hints, "That she decided to go into the workforce as soon as she could." Raito's mother paused. Raito ignored her and continued eating his pancakes.

"She's now living well, prosperously, and independently," she ploughed on. "And she's only fourteen. How did she accomplish this? She showed initiative. She didn't stay in her parent's house. And that's why I admire her."

Raito sighed. All he freaking heard about was Sayu the wonder kid. Diligence embodied extraordinaire. Honestly, just because she had no special skills but still managed to make a living for herself, his parents considered her a benchmark Raito had fallen woefully short of, despite being three years older.

"Well," Adolf added, "It _is_ nothing short of remarkable that she has achieved such success on her own."

"Indeed it is," Sachiko added.

Honestly, just because Raito had taken a year off doing anything didn't make him a failure. He had it all planned out. University was next, and from then a degree in whatever he became interested in. Simple enough- he was just taking a break now because he'd finished high school ahead of schedule. Besides, job conditions were good- Raito estimated there wouldn't be any sort of great recession for at least ten years.

ooo

Raito was reading a stolen newspaper. For once there was no Kira story, merely a discovery of the BotCuba group, who were Cuban cigar company owned robots who ridiculously conspicuously murdered their competitors.

Going downstairs to get milk, Raito wondered to himself why his parents persisted in having dinner parties when they were doomed to failure. For some reason. He grabbed the milk carton out of the fridge, drinking from it as he sauntered back to his room in his typical fashion.

"Hey Raito," said his father casually from the kitchen table, "One of our guests this evening is Misa Amane. You've heard of her, right?"

Sure he had. Who hadn't heard of the beautiful Misa, or Misa-Misa as she was commonly known? A model-turned-actress, she was nowadays on the cover of every poster, CD or milk carton you happened to glance at. She was well known for her beauty, as well as her manner of cuteness. She also referred to herself in the third person for no conceivable reason and had been known to use white-out on computers to boost her cutesy blond image.

Seriously. White-out.

"Why?" asked Raito suspiciously.

"Oh, well you know she's your age..." Adolf said craftily, "And very beautiful- so I'm told," he added hastily at a look from Sachiko. Raito groaned.

"... and very rich-"

"You want to marry me off to her, don't you?" asked Raito disgustedly.

"She's _beautiful_," said Sachiko with a set jaw. "She's _your age_! It would be... perfect if you two were to marry. ... I hate you and I want you out of my house and my life!"

Raito had suspected as much. His parents were constantly trying to marry him to people. Even when his father made an effort to choose someone Raito would actually appreciate, like with Misa, Raito still refused, mainly to irk his mother.

"We'll see how we get along at the dinner party then," Raito said sweetly. A violent and most probably explicit retort died in Sachiko's throat as she resigned herself to the certainty of yet another dinner party being wrecked by Raito.

Raito was in his room, busy rigging incredibly loud music to blast through the house halfway through the party. He had burned his desk twice with the welder but managed to attach the vinyl record player to an alarm clock and a complicated system of pulleys that would do the job. He admired his handiwork, then went downstairs again to get clean pyjamas. Being all he ever wore, they tended to need to be washed very often. He had several identical red and white pairs and one in black and grey. For special occasions.

Indeed, if he was ever given any other clothes he would simply throw them away. Once his mother refused to wash his pyjamas and Raito began stealing things, from his mother's clothes, to the house's cutlery and crockery and finally he would sneakily give things away to strangers on the street such as antiques, furniture and his parents' personal belongings. Sachiko Yagami relented, and from then on washed Raito's pyjamas.

Later that evening Misa Amane arrived. Slim and pretty, with bright eyes and large, full breasts, she walked drooling into a wall, then righted herself and turned into the dining room. With no encouragement she sat down and started eating with impeccable table manners the flowers out of the vase in front of her. She looked slowly around the room with vacant eyes. Adolf and Sachiko exchanged a confused look.

"Um… Miss Amane," said Sachiko gently, and Misa's head slowly swivelled to face her. "This is our son Raito," she said, indicating Raito, who was leaning against a wall, amused. Misa slowly turned to face Raito, and when she did her eyes focused. Sachiko smiled warmly as she recognised love at first sight. Then without warning Misa charged.

Misa leapt upward, thrusting her chair aside and running forward, arms outstretched. Spittle gathered at the corned of her mouth and ran across her cheek, flying behind her and spattering onto the carpet as she ran. Raito dived out of the way and Misa ran straight into the wall. She struck it heavily and slumped backward, unconscious.

She died later that night. As usual the dinner party was a complete disaster.

VI. Give-and-Take

_Being a heart-warming tale of Christmas joy_

"Hey Hitler," said Raito casually.

"Yes, son?" replied Adolf evenly.

"Is it alright if I invite a friend over for Christmas?"

"Um, sure," Adolf replied, "Who were you thinking of asking?"

"L."

"Oh, that gatecrasher? And his friends, too?"

"Um…"

Briefly Raito wondered if Near or Mello were actually going to try and solve the case. As he had expected, when he asked L he was told that Near and Mello coming along was inevitable.

"Thank you for the invitation though," L said happily, smiling adorably. Instantly Raito too was drawn to smiling. "Would you like a drink?"

"Yes please," said Raito and walked into the house. Carpet had been put in, pictures hung on the walls. The kitchen was now defined as such, with a table and chairs, microwave, kettle, cutlery and crockery. Raito pulled out a chair to find Near curled up on it. Near arched his back and walked over to the kettle.

"That was odd," muttered Raito as he and L sat down.

"Why do you sit like that?" enquired Raito, gesturing to L.

"Well, I'm part bird," L said seriously, "And this way I'm always ready for flight. Well, not really. Actually if I sit any other way, my reasoning ability drops by forty percent."

"That makes ever so slightly more sense. Slightly. ... Excuse me, what?"

"I'm serious."

"Wow. Um, I suppose the question any normal person would ask is: why?"

L scratched his head. "I'm really not certain. But you're right. Normal people would want to ask that."

"If I, Raito Yagami, had not asked that it would not have made sense."

"Indeed."

At that moment Near handed L a cup of tea, bowing as he retreated. L pinched the handle with his thumb and index finger, raising it to his lips. Flinching briefly, he set it down gently and tried to unobtrusively add sugar but Near noticed.

"_No_!" he shouted "I can't believe I forgot sugar! I am so ashamed. More so than words can describe." L grimaced; he had clearly been trying to avoid exactly this happening.

"Near," L said gently, "It is _okay_. It doesn't bother me."

"That's not true!" Near shouted "I failed you! I'm a complete poo-poo!"

"If you bring me the sugar cubes, all will be forgiven, I swear," L said in desperation. Near immediately brought him a small bowl full of sugar cubes, dropping on one knee, bowing his head and holding the bowl up. He looked suspiciously like he was proposing.

Plip. Plop.

"So, Raito," L said, dropping sugar cubes into his tea from above his head, ignoring the splashes of hot tea. "Any idea of what I should get you for Christmas?"

"Aw, you don't need to get me anything..."

Plip. Plop.

"Yes, I do," L contradicted him, "Because I want a present myself."

"Well, then," Raito said, "What should I get you?"

L smiled. He glanced down for more sugar cubes to notice fully that Near was in the exact same position, not moving. He gave Near an exasperated look and then picked two more sugar cubes, and dropped them into his tea.

"I don't know. I like music, though."

Raito was well aware that he was being dropped a hint.

"Okay, so who do you listen to?"

"Ah, classical stuff, mainly. I enjoy the symphonic sounds of Ivan Gregor, Jean-Claude Crème-De-Menthe, and of course a healthy dose of Slayer."

"Yeah, Slayer rules. You got their new album?"

"No, actually. I somehow never got time, what with the moving house and all."

Raito felt a tap on his left shoulder. He turned to find nothing there, and turned back to find Mello's grinning face an inch from his own. He recoiled, instinctively throwing up his arms.

"Holy sh- ah!"

Near looped a coil of rope under his arms and together Near and Mello dragged him off.

"You'll be fine," L said, dropping three sugar cubes into his cup of tea. "Those two just have an interesting way of doing things."

'Good luck' he mouthed to Raito as the latter was dragged around a corner. Raito saw L reach for another sugar cube and then Near descended into his vision.

"Just so you know, we're getting him that album, and another two," Near said.

"Here are a list of other albums he might also enjoy," Mello added. "No more that two, or you'll show us up. We're already spending all the money we get as allowance from Quillsh, so he understands if you buy him more expensive stuff than us, so-"

"Okay!" exclaimed Raito. "I get it! Must you really be so obsessive and crazy?"

Mello shrugged. "It's just our eccentric ways. It's endearing, you heard L."

"Huh?"

ooo

Both Sachiko and Adolf were sitting across the kitchen table, reading separately.

"Why does my goddamn son get to be happy?" Sachiko burst out suddenly, as she had been thinking of the fact that Raito had friends to invite to Christmas.

ooo

One week later, Christmas time had arrived. Lunch had been had, bonbons enjoyed and the give-and-take of present exchanging had begun. Raito had thrown, what seemed to be carelessly but what was actually with finely calculated aim, the expected job listings book out the living room window and pocketed carefully his Christmas money. L had received with genuine appreciation Near and Mello's present, and reduced the two to tears with fancy chocolates for Mello and a robot themed Lego kit for Near.

Raito had raised an eyebrow and L had given Raito a look in return that clearly said 'it's one of his things, don't ask'. Raito had nodded knowingly and the two had shared a grin.

After having read over Near and Mello's list, Raito was confident he had rather a unique present for L. And having received with an exclamation of joy and profuse heartfelt thanks L's present- a compendium publication of a writer whose short stories Raito enjoyed in the monthly literature publication- Raito was able to present his gift to L at last.

"Oh, Raito, wow," he said. L held in his hands a double album, the first record being a selection of classical music by one of L's favourite artists performed thrash metal style by Slayer, the other a live Slayer concert but performed with an orchestral backing.

L's expression of joy soon turned to puzzlement.

"Let me guess," Mello said quietly, "Raito organised performances and paid for the recordings with funds stolen from his parent's bank account. And now he's going to suggest the two of you go to his room to listen to them, the first people aside from those at the concert to hear them as this is an advance copy. And I'm betting he's already resigned himself to the fact that Near and I are going to follow him. See, I do have some genius skills."

Raito sighed. Of course, Mello was entirely accurate.

ooo

To Sayu Yagami (sayu..com)

Hey sis, it's Raito, in case you didn't recognise the address. Mum wishes you'd been here at Christmas, and since she's useless with technology she asked me to ask you what your plans were. Maybe you could visit us for Easter?

From Raito Yagami

ooo

On Boxing Day, Raito swiped the newspaper, and opened it to the comics. He chuckled, and then suddenly he received a crashing blow to the back of the head. He stumbled forward and whirled, and standing there was the newspaper salesman, one hand in a fist and the other clutching a butcher's knife.

"You... you thief!" he spluttered insanely. His eyes were rolling, foam flecked his lips.

"AAARGHLLLL!" the newspaper salesman shouted, giving a shout that turned into a kind of drooling groan. Suddenly he ran forward and stabbed downward. Raito gasped as he felt the long blade slide into his shoulder. Pain exploded, crashing into his head in waves. Blood sprayed from the wound, and with each magnified heartbeat Raito's vision dimmed. Blood soaked his pyjama top and he barely felt his knees buckle as he fell to the ground and into welcoming darkness which he had no power to resist.

* * *

Don't you hate that?


	3. Chapter 3

Wow, a new chapter. Weird. The others have also been updated with slight grammatical fixings and a couple of new lines. I need to stop rewriting things I've already posted.

* * *

Billiam Lakeo'beere's

Raito and Lawliet

Chapter 3

VII. Zero

"What are my son's chances of survival?" asked Sachiko eagerly.

"Zero," the doctor said heavily. Sachiko bowed her head and as soon as the doctor turned away she made the devil horns with one hand, thrusting it up while dropping to her knees, mouthing 'rock on'.

Adolf stood by his son's hospital bed, tears in is eyes.

The doctor went to the door and it burst open in front of him, slamming into his face and knocking him out. L burst through, carrying a vial in both hands protectively as his foot came down: he had kicked the door open.

"Get those leeches off of Raito-kun!" he shouted, and obediently Adolf Yagami brushed the dozen or so leeches off of Raito's open wound, flicking blood onto Sachiko. A vein pulsed in the woman's temple, but L pushed her aside and whipped out a syringe.

First he drew the liquid from his vial and then plunged it into Raito's shoulder, releasing it.

"What is that?" asked Adolf, horrified.

"Clotting agent," L muttered, "Your son has mild haemophilia."

"What's that?" asked Adolf, horrified.

"A genetic disorder that-"

"Where'd he get it?" asked Adolf, horrified.

"From Sachiko. You see, haemophilia is carried on the 'X' chromosome-"

"What's that?" Adolf asked, confused.

"Wait, wait, wait. So I gave my son a disorder that nearly killed him?" asked Sachiko in horrifying delight. "That ought to show the bastard."

"Hand me a scalpel," L said calmly, and Adolf handed him one.

Briefly Ryuk the Shinigami flickered into visibility but quickly corrected his mistake.

Raito's eyes flickered open._... Where... am I?_

"He's opening his eyes!" exclaimed L.

"Damn it!" cursed Sachiko.

"Light's alive!" exclaimed Adolf joyfully, tears shining in his eyes.

"Raito," L said softly "go back to sleep. You still have a gaping wound in you that I have to fix."

Had L said that to most anyone else, they would have panicked and driven their heart rate up, worsening the bleeding. Raito however had the presence of mind to force himself into the waiting unconsciousness.

In retrospect, L realised it was not the best thing he could have said but he himself had been facing the stress of holding Raito's life in his hands.

"Adolf, go get a nurse to bring me some stitches," L said, and watched with his peripheral vision that Adolf had left to do so. He also noticed Sachiko leave and noted that her fiery hatred of Raito did not seem to extend to murder.

That made things simpler. Pausing to re-sedate Raito and let the tranquiliser take effect, during which time Raito's original doctor woke up and left, L began to operate.

L first cleaned the wound, and removed the dead tissue. Now instead of being a mess of dead tissue and bright blood it was a shallow hole, much more sanitary and safer to work with. Once Adolf arrived L began to stitch the wound up. The last thing L needed to do was regulate Raito's fluid levels.

Raito regained consciousness about an hour later when Near and Mello came into the room to give L a three course dinner. A pumpkin soup was first, roast beef was second and a chocolate pudding covered in chocolate sauce so sweet that it made Raito's teeth rot from the other side of the room was for dessert. Near presented this pudding in his signature way; offering it on a bent knee.

"Thanks a lot," said L warmly. Near and Mello looked at each other excitedly, and L sighed.

Raito groaned and his eyes fluttered open. Immediately L was at his side.

"How do you feel, Raito?" L said softly.

"Exhausted," Raito concluded, "As though I've been asleep for a week and it wasn't quite enough."

"That's only to be expected," L said.

"I know," Raito replied, and gave a weak chuckle.

"Well, you lost a lot of blood but fortunately the milk bar owner went outside to lock up, and saw you lying there. He called an ambulance."

"So what happened to the newspaper salesman?"

"They…" L began.

"They found him in the River Thames," Near finished.

"I guess we'll never find out what really happened," Mello commented.

"Ah, I don't know," said Raito, "Maybe we're reading too deeply into this. It's just one of those things that happens, right?"

"Right," agreed Near and Mello at the same time.

"A perfectly natural response," L added, and then got started on his pumpkin soup.

"L," said Near shyly, "When will you be coming home? We miss you terribly."

L blinked. "I've been gone for about five hours," he said pointedly.

"That's far too long," Mello said vehemently, tears pricking her eyes. Adolf walked into the room with a plastic tray, then set it down and went over to the window.

"I think someone's in that building," he said curiously.

"What," enquired Mello, "The storage warehouse? Evidently this is the famous cat burglar, Mary Kenwood, AKA Wedy, known mainly for holding phone conversations and riding a motorcycle. Judging by the exact date she managed to disable the security cameras during the monthly tune-up by passing herself off as an inspector. I'm assuming she's heard the rumours circulating the underworld that the mayor is using an illegal trading company to sneak tax free imports into the country illegally."

"You _do_ have some dubious contacts," Near observed.

"That I do," Mello agreed. "I'm not really sure why, but it gives me more of a 'bad girl' image, which is cool."

"I'm assuming you had some of that information previously," noted Raito, "But putting it together on the spot was pretty impressive."

"Now let's call the police," suggested Near brightly, and Adolf reached for the phone.

ooo

The next day Raito woke up at about seven in the morning to find L sitting on the visitor's chair, playing a game on a computer on the table next to him.

"Hey, L," Raito greeted him, "Why are you still here?"

"Oh, your parents wanted to rest in their own house before picking you up later today," L said.

"Then we should totally just leave, and not tell them anything and like just, I don't know, hang out at your place the whole day. Or better yet sneak into my room and just be there the whole time. What are you doing?"

"Oh, I'm playing this new game, it's a RQLWMPAOPTBSTNG, or a Really-"

"Please, I know that RQLWMPAOPTBSTNG stands for Really Quite Large Many People Playing At Once Pretending to Be Someone They're Not Game," said Raito, amused. "I'm not a complete noob."

There was a beep from the speakers, and L got an in game message.

"Ooh, someone's challenging you to a duel. Hey, I've heard about this guy, he's Light-Blade and he's never been defeated."

"Neither have I," L said, smiling. "I am, in fact the world's three best Internet game players. This guy is one of my aliases. We'll make heaps betting on the result."

"Hey, how do you play three people at once?" asked Raito, confusedly.

"Usually I don't, but it's only normal to play an hour or two a day, so I can usually manage to keep them separate. But I do have a human player using the account. His name is Thierry Morrello but I refer to him as Aiber, because I'm like that."

After letting bets be placed, L let himself lose and gave all his items to two new accounts.

"There," he said, "I got killed, and now I'll be replaced by new opponents."

Suddenly the plot skipped ahead three months.

VIII. Target

_Being a compelling story of the hunter becoming the hunted in reverse, and greater exploring the relationship between Raito and Sachiko Yagami_

There was a quality about real fur, Sachiko Yagami decided, stroking her snow leopard fur fondly.

Perhaps it was the fact that the fur had once belonged to something real, a living, breathing and quite possibly endangered animal. And not only was it comfortable and almost painfully stylish, it symbolised man's triumph over lesser beasts. Man was not at the top of the food chain, but due to their superior brainpower they had managed to kill, eat and/or make into clothing most of the world's animals.

As a child, she hadn't had many friends…

ooo

During the three months before April Fools Day, a number of murders had been carried out, presumably by Kira. The BotCuba group had had their transmission wires cut and had stopped working, Wedy had been murdered and Aiber had been found dead, murdered in his apartment while playing Halo 2.

It being April Fools, Sachiko Yagami treaded the house carefully, revolver in a holster and never more than a second away from her hand. She scanned the doorways carefully, and also carried a thin bamboo stick with which to test the air for small strings which may set off booby traps. The bottom of doorways too she scanned for ropes that could trip her up.

The revolver, incidentally, she carried on grounds of reasoning which were thus: if Sachiko knew Raito, which to her constant chagrin she did, he would judge her character well enough to know that her mistrust for Raito extended to the point that she would be expecting something deadly as an April Fool's joke. He would judge her to feel as though she needed that degree of protection, and therefore Sachiko would indeed need such a degree of protection due to Raito's insight and subsequent creation of such danger.

It made her head spin but Sachiko was sure she had puzzled the whole situation out correctly. Unless Raito had judged her to figure _that_ all out, and had therefore given her no such danger. But still she was on her guard. Better to be safe that sorry.

"God, I hate my son," Sachiko muttered, and flinched as a bird flew by the window.

Halfway across the city, Raito was at a café, sipping Earl Grey tea. Raito had thought as far as Sachiko had, and further, and concluded quite simply that the most unexpected thing he could do was absolutely nothing.

But then he had thought further ahead again, and concluded that over time Sachiko may have indeed come to that conclusion. He had set all the clocks forward half an hour and set the dinner party disrupting device he had created but never used to play a scream, ten seconds of silence and an 'April Fools' about two minutes before the true midnight, when Sachiko thought she was safe.

This gave adequate time for the perfect April Fools joke ever, and it would be made even better by the fact that Adolf would be working the night shift and Raito intended to spend the night in a motel.

"My god, I'm a genius," Raito said smugly to himself. He lay back in his chair, and closed his eyes. A shadow passed over him and an insubstantial hand like a breath of wind lifted a notebook- with his entire plan written on it- off of the table. There came a 'hyuk, hyuk' from nowhere and the notebook redeposited itself on the table.

ooo

That year's April Fool's ordeal had left Sachiko more than a little edgy. When Adolf had gotten into bed Sachiko had leapt up immediately, and then Raito, who was on a whim crouching on a tree branch beneath the window, had lit a candle inside the mouth of a hideous scarecrow and pressed it against this same window.

Sachiko had screamed in terror and fainted dead away.

In the morning she awoke with her fingers wrapped tightly around a pillow she imagined as her son and got up, eyes bleary after having gotten no sleep.

Raito was downstairs, with a customary plate of pancakes.

"Good morning mother," he said politely, "Would you like some coffee?"

At a look of pure malevolent hatred Raito wisely decided to stay out of the house until after dinner that night. He had takeaway fish and chips at L's instead, and left regretfully at about nine to return home. Matsuda and Adolf were in the living room, enjoying a glass of wine.

"Sayu pretty," said Matsuda dreamily, stroking a picture of her that was on the mantelpiece.

God knows how he had become a policeman. Raito's dad, who was incidentally the police chief, said it was all about equality.

"That makes no sense, though. If he's grossly unqualified, why employ him, especially in a job that places him in great responsibility? Not only is that foolhardy and irresponsible, it represents inequality itself- giving them a job _because_ of their special needs rather than independent of them."

"If you have a problem, take it up with the Director," Adolf replied calmly.

Raito indeed wrote a letter to the Director but unfortunately the Director was soon after murdered by Kira and therefore indisposed and unable to reply.

Typical.

Then, almost as if to provide a reason for the title, Raito remembered this happening about a month ago:

Sachiko had been in Africa, hunting. Her target was a member of a rare species of rhinoceros and her mission was to make slippers out of it.

Raito had been at the same moment trying to save the same animal, for basically three reasons. One- to foil his mother. Two- to impress L, who was an active conservationist, and three- for his own morals that stood against hunting animals.

These motivations had been by no means equal in his psyche, and while one could be charitable and believe that to foil his mother was lesser and that his own beliefs were foremost, this was, to anyone who really knew Raito, quite clearly not true.

Anyway, the mission had ended with the release of the animal into the wild and Sachiko being quite satisfactorily foiled, humiliated and deported. Raito had taken a cruise ship back, mainly to allow Sachiko time to cool off. You might as well have patted Mount Vesuvius on the cheek with a damp cloth for all the difference it made.

* * *

Raito and Sachiko have a healthy relationship.


	4. Chapter 4

The penultimate chapter is at last upon us- when did I start uploading this fic again? Eheh.

* * *

Billiam Lakeo'beere's

Raito and Lawliet

Chapter 4

IX. Contact

_Being a greater exploration of various detectives' motivations_

The first two times Raito and L tried to have a proper date Near and Mello would somehow manage to find them, popping up just in time to order drinks.

So L had said 'bugger it' and the two were simply going to have lunch together at L's place. Their romantic conversations would have to be restricted, especially if Mello was close to knives. Indeed, Mello would try and stab Raito if he was 'corrupting L' and if L showed intimacy towards Raito, Mello would probably attempt to stab herself, and the evidence for this suspicion could be traced to when Near had to try and wrestle a cheese grater away from Mello's face. L told them they were being childish and sent them outside.

The two were in denial about Raito and L and this illusion seemed to be not so slowly driving them insane.

Raito and L refused to let this destroy their chances of being together.

L smiled oddly. "Oh Raito, Raito, wherefore art thou Raito?" he asked. Raito raised an eyebrow.

"Well, to be Raito or not to be Raito, that is the question," he replied.

"Wrong play," said L offhandedly.

"What do you mean, wrong? I'm just quoting a different one."

"Yeah, but- nothing." L laid a hand on Raito's arm and the contact contained many unsaid things. Raito smiled warmly.

The following morning's newspaper had plastered across the top: _new enemies to Kira the Ripper announce themselves_.

Raito read on:

_Two letters have arrived at the office of the police station, stating that legendary genius detectives 'J' and 'B' are 'on the case of Kira the Ripper'. Fellow genius detective Y says 'I have been working hard on this case for a long time, and if I haven't uncovered anything, I highly doubt these amateurs to the world of genius detectiveing can do any better.'_

_Kira has sent in one of his rare statements, proclaiming 'come on, it's hard enough to stay ahead of four opponents, but seven? I'm going to get rid of both of these guys fast.'_

_As usual physical evidence from Kira's letter is entirely inconclusive._

_Read a more complicated version of this story on page three._

It went on to say:

_In an absolutely 100% unrelated matter, genius detective M has sent in a fictional short story, which details '('let's call them,' M says) 'Beyond B.', 'Nate R.' (who is constantly insulted in the introduction) and 'L L.'_

"Interesting," L said. "I can't wait to see how the Kira case turns out."

"Hey L, how come you're not helping solve the case?" asked Raito, then muttered, "And for that matter, why haven't Mello or Near done _anything_ _whatsoever_..."

"Well to tell you the truth, Raito," L said, "I really don't have the time."

Raito watched for two minutes, amused, as L slowly ate a small plate of cookies, often pausing in order to stare into space thoughtfully with the tip of his thumb held in his teeth.

"Mello dear," said L offhandedly, "Would you mind getting me a can of Coke from the milk bar please?" Mello drew a sharp breath, and her eyes filled up with tears.

"Oh crap, what did I say?" asked L in a pained voice.

"Um, you said 'dear'," replied Raito.

"Oh boy..."

True to Kira's word three days later the bodies of Jay Johnston and Bea 'the' Burritobandito were announced.

"Hey L," said Raito offhandedly, "if you were one of those detectives, what would your letter be?"

L did not dignify that with a response. Raito had not expected him to. He was just lucky neither Mello or Near were in the room at the moment.

Near burst out of the pots and pans cupboard and proceeded to laugh loudly at Raito, who just stared.

"Stupid poo-poo," he snickered, "It'd so obviously be 'L', for Lawliet."

Mello kicked her way out of the large box the refrigerator came in and started to laugh at Near.

"You're such an idiot, his first name is L!" shouted Mello. She then continued in a harsh whisper to Near something neither Raito nor L heard. Near looked stricken.

"How could you say that?" he said, horrified, and ran upstairs.

"Evidently she insulted some aspect of Near's personality," Raito noted "and implied that this would not carry favour with you, L."

"Clearly," L added.

After a while L was struck by a sudden idea.

"I'd sure love some lemonade right now!" L called.

"I bet you would!" Raito agreed.

"We both would! I'd be really grateful!" L added loudly. Sitting facing the door, L saw Near fall out of the air, and L surmised he had jumped from his bedroom window, to hit the ground, roll into a crouch and and sprint over to the lemon tree to start collecting lemons. Mello leapt up and started pulling things out of the cupboards. Raito could not fail to notice that in one cupboard were no less than six twenty pound bags of sugar.

In a short amount of time Near and Mello had finished. Near got down on one knee- again, looking suspiciously like he was proposing- and offered a tray with two tall glasses filled with sparkling yellow lemonade with ice cubes floating in it and slices of lemon on the sides of the glasses.

"Thank you both," L said sweetly, and set the tray down. He stared at the two pointedly for a few seconds and they self-consciously scurried away. Raito took a sip and his eyes bulged. Sweetness and sourness collided on his tongue spectacularly, but L sipped his unconcernedly.

"That was fun," he said when his glass was half emptied, "And as a bonus this lemonade tastes quite good." L drained the glass and ate the lemon slice on the side of the glass.

Raito smiled fondly. L's odd eating habits were endearing and never failed to amuse, though Raito reckoned he was probably the only person who thought so.

X. Deletion

_In which a masked ball is held and heaps of random characters appear_

Teru Mikami was sitting in an Internet café, pressing the 'Delete' key over and over. The computer was at the login screen

"Delete," said Mikami. "Delete. Delete. Delete."

A woman walked over to him. "Sir," she said, "You have used up your hour. Do you wish to pay for another hour?"

Mikami nodded, handing her a ten pound note, eyes never leaving the computer screen.

He then continued pressing the key...

Raito was walking along the street later that day, coming back from the bakery with a bag of broken biscuits which had cost him only one shilling. Suddenly Teru Mikami leapt out at him, stumbled and grabbed the hem of Raito's cloak. He looked upward, eyes wide.

"God?" he asked.

"Yes," replied Raito mildly, "I am God. You must appease me with gifts of money." Teru Mikami seemed to swell like a balloon.

"_You're not God_!" he screamed. Raito stumbled backward and quickly strode away.

Later he heard that same person went on a drinking binge with Matsuda and when he woke up and found out things weren't as he thought they were he went insane and died incredibly undramatically. Mainly because he was the sort of person who dies. It was a character trait.

ooo

Later, L, Raito, Near and Mello were attending a masked ball in a not-so-subtle homage to Romeo and Juliet.

"Alright," L said, "Masks on, and let's go in." Raito lifted an elegant bird mask in front of his face that he held with a thin wooden pole. L strapped on a weird looking human face mask, Near wore one that looked creepily like L and Mello pulled on a balaclava.

It shocked Raito to admit it, even to himself, but he was becoming fond of Mello and Near. That was it; he needed a drink.

"If you think the L mask is bad," L muttered to Raito as he walked by him to get through the door Raito gallantly held open for him, "You should see these creepy finger puppets I found him with. Yeah, _finger_ puppets..."

_God, now I need a drink more than ever,_ Raito thought, sickened by the information from which one, now Raito came to think of it, could infer what one wished. It occurred to that if it had been anything important, like the climax of an entire plot, deliberate ambiguity would be utter crap.

Luckily the punch was right next to him. He picked up a glass, then glanced at the mask, the glass and then at the spoon in the punch bowl.

"How exactly..." Raito muttered. Near took his mask for him. "Thanks, Near," he said and picked up the spoon. Near looked at L hopefully.

"Um, yes, Near," L added, "Very thoughtful."

Near squirmed in creepy delight.

"Dude..." muttered a stoner as he walked up to Raito. "Hey, dudes. You seen my car keys? I lost my f***in' car keys..."

Raito shook his head.

"Aw damn," the stoner said, "I lost my car keys, you know. I'm Sidoh, by the way. I lost my car keys. Hey, this dude looks like a f***in' rainbow sheep. Hey, sheep-boy, do a flip! Flip for me, bitch!"

Near gave a start and hurried behind Mello, who puffed out her chest, almost knocking Sidoh over. "Leave us alone," she said.

"Hey, you're hot!" slurred Sidoh, "I'd f*** you. F***, I lost my car keys..."

Sidoh stumbled off. Raito stared after him, and shook his head before turning around to see Kiyomi Takada- who had a typical 20th century or perhaps late 19th century English name and who Raito knew from high school.

"Raito Yagami?" she said.

"Oh, hi Takada," Raito greeted her.

"What a coincidence, running into you here. I think it's a sign we should get back together."

'A phase,' Raito mouthed in response to L's raised eyebrow.

"Um, Takada," Raito said gently, "About that... not that I don't think you're a nice person, but I'm actually, um, gay."

"Oh, bugger off," said Takada, unsuprised, "People have been saying that to me all night."

"No really, I am," protested Raito, then sighed. "Okay, here. Ooh look, it's L," he said excitedly, pointing in the opposite direction. Mello and Near instantly swivelled to look, and while they were distracted Raito kissed L soundly on the lips. L responded enthusiastically. They broke apart hurriedly as Near and Mello turned back.

"Oh yeah, L's there, isn't he?" Near said, scratching his head self-consciously. Mello coughed, embarrassed.

"Oh, all right," said Takada, scowling. A sophisticated looking gentleman with a round yet lean and handsome face and large chin sidled up next to Takada. He handed her a rose.

"I am Takuo Shibuimaru," he said in an incredibly smooth voice. Takada outwardly showed signs of melting; her knees buckled ever so slightly and her gaze became vacant. The now helpless Kiyomi Takada and the suave, debonair Takuo Shibimaru left the masked ball. Incidentally, a bus drove straight through Takuo's apartment later. It crushed him and Takada perished in the flames, for they too had personalities suited to dying.

Meanwhile, another very attractive sophisticated man, Hitoshi Demegawa, was chatting up a woman, who looked far beneath him and flattered at his attention.

"That's Halle Linder, or Halle Bullook as the rarely used but standard pronunciation goes," L informed Raito, who nodded interestedly.

In a strange twist of fate, Halle survived the inevitable deletion that seemed to strike many of London's inhabitants. I mean really, even in a series- that is to say _society_- that was largely about murder, the death rate was outrageous. Truly unbelievable when one really stopped to think about how many people ended up dying.

Separately Near and Mello paid the band all their Christmas money to extend their slow dances with L to half an hour, whereas for L and Raito it was a four minute whirl of colour as they danced the tango and somehow won a massive teddy bear that L reluctantly gave to Near, who squealed in delight and hugged L, tackling him and knocking out his breath and probably at least one of his ribs.

ooo

Back at Raito's house, Adolf, who was in bed reading a book, thoughtfully glanced at his wife.

"Does Raito still live here?" he asked. Sachiko blinked.

"I... think so."

XI. Kindred Spirit

_Containing the events that follow Raito's confrontation with Ryuk_

Raito flopped down onto his bed, eyes closed. He sat up, and Ryuk hastily flickered out of visibility.

"Alright, this is beginning to bug me," Raito said loudly, "Come on, Shinigami, I need to talk to you."

Ryuk shyly became visible.

"Now what's the deal?" Raito asked "I know you're a Shinigami, a god of death, right?"

"I- huh?" replied Ryuk.

"It's Japanese," said Raito. "Shinigami translates to 'god of death'."

"What? Shinigami may mean 'god of death' in Japanese, but it sure doesn't mean that in the ancient language of the Shinigami. Imagine being told that 'human' meant 'god of delicious purple tacos' in Martian or something."

"What does it mean, then?"

"Well, uh… understand that the term doesn't translate exactly…" Ryuk said awkwardly, scratching his head self-consciously.

"Go on."

"Okay. Well, the term really is quite a bit more respectful. Um… 'Shinigami' kind of translates to 'god of perversion'."

"God… of perversion?"

"It isn't that insulting, of course, but in my species it is custom to spy on a human of your choosing. Watch them when they shower, go to the toilet…"

Raito spluttered.

"It really is the norm," Ryuk protested. "It's just our culture."

Suddenly there was a loud crash, and a horrific screeching tearing sound. Then a large white shape flew straight through the window without physically connecting, however the weather vane it carried did and smashed the glass. The creature flopped onto the bed and raised the weather vane, then plunged it into its breast dramatically. Greyish goo exploded upwards, splattering onto Raito's sheets.

Raito would have snickered but was too appalled and freaked out.

The monster had large lips, pointy dreadlocks that became blue at the tips, a squarish face and its body appeared to be made out of bones. It had a slightly similar skeletal appearance as Ryuk, although white, and despite himself Raito imagined the creature as… feminine.

There was about ten seconds of silence, and then: "I'm not dead, am I?"

Ryuk shook his head. "Nope," he said. The creature on the bed ripped the weather vane out of its chest and hurled it aside, sending a spray of what appeared to be the creature's blood across the carpet. The weather vane smashed through the window again and fell two stories to sink into the earth.

The creature looked with a sickened glance as its wound healed itself.

"Raito," Ryuk said, "This is another Shinigami, a female."

"My name is Rem," she added.

"What the hell is going on?" screamed Raito. "What are you doing here?"

"Well, my human died," said Rem, "And I was in love with her. I tried to pretend I wasn't but _come on_, I so totally was. Anyway, I figured out that Kira was the murderer, and tracked them down. I fully intended to kill Kira, but it seems I lacked the psychological strength. Denied of my only revenge, I, well, I went on a bender. I got extremely drunk constantly and spent about the past two weeks in a drunken haze stumbling around and flickering in and out of visibility inconsistently. Hell, I started hanging around with a patchwork quilt who I said was jealous because of how beautiful I was.

"I grew to loathe apples, and yet I needed them. I drank an entire bottle of apple juice, and then a cask of apple cider-"

"You did _what_?" exploded Ryuk.

"- And I woke up this morning, blearily on a church roof, hating myself and all life. I tried to impale myself on the church steeple but I missed and fell onto your roof. I ripped off your weather vane and flew crazily into your room, and then I finally managed to impale myself.

"I forgot I was immortal, though."

"Man, you must have been seriously wasted," noted Ryuk. "I mean, Shinigami get high off of apples, but drinking apple juice? And apple freakin' cider? That's just trying to kill yourself."

"I think, on some level, that was the plan."

"You do realise that by trying to commit suicide, you've broken a level five law."

"Not level three?" whined Rem. "Crap! I wanted oblivion!"

"That's the irony, though. You'd have to do something worse that trying to kill yourself to succeed at it."

"What's this level five and three law?" asked Raito.

"The Shinigami punishment system," Ryuk explained, "The worse your misdeed, the worse your punishment. Three or worse kills you. Incidentally, good luck trying to find out who Kira is, because revealing secrets of a human like that is a level two offence, and also it's impossible to do on purpose unless you already guessed a major secret related to the secret."

"These Shinigami rules of yours are ridiculously complicated, convenient, unlikely and seem almost to exist merely to provide the possibility of a very specific scenario," Raito noted.

"Yes," said Ryuk.

Raito thought, for two whole minutes, and then told Rem Kira's identity. Rem nodded, and whispered information to Raito related to the secret he had just obtained.

"If you want to pay Kira back," Raito said, "Here is what you have to do." And he told her. Rem flew out the window.

The minutes stretched on.

Ryuk turned to Raito. "Do you want me to dig my eyes out and stick them in your head? It will only cost you half your life."

"I'm not the sort of person who would accept that," replied Raito.

"Fine," Ryuk sniffed, "Be that way."

More time passed.

"Just out of interest, Ryuk," said Raito, "Are all Shinigami gay or is it just a coincidence that you and Rem happen to be?" Ryuk grinned wickedly.

"Just out of interest, huh? _Personal_ interest?"

Raito fell silent.

Meanwhile Ryuk was thinking. _Even though I'm a Shinigami, he's never been afraid of me or tried to kiss my butt._ "Hyuk, hyuk," he chuckled naughtily at the thought of Raito kissing his butt.

About an hour later, Rem flew through the wall.

"Well, I did what you told me to, Raito. It would have been so much simpler if I could just kill Kira, but here we go."

All of a sudden blue light started streaming out of Rem's mouth, and her body heaved and roiled.

"Yes!" shouted Rem. "When Shinigami reveal themselves to humans, it is a Level three violation! Painless death! Oh, this is perfect!"

"Oh yeah," says Ryuk "I forgot about that." Rainbow light poured from every orifice and he and Rem began to rise off the ground, rotating, giving a really weird disco strobe light effect. Rem's head hit the ceiling and she exploded, an intensely bright octarine light seemed to burn the inside of Raito's eyelids. Ryuk too hit the ceiling but he merely exploded into blood and guts.

"Hm," said Raito. "I think a small house fire would be in order." Then he added, "The person who enforces these rules is really incompetent. Ryuk revealed himself to me like four months ago."

The next day, two letters arrived, one addressed to Raito and one to Adolf.

As Raito slid his open, an odd smile crept onto his lips. All the pieces were in place. His plan would come to fruition.

He called his kindred spirit, L, to see if he could get a lift to that final place of confrontation, that _theatre_ of deception and truth.

All would be… neat, and finished, once and for all.

* * *

So, who is Kira? I should mention at this point that even though the rest of the fic is pretty much bullcrap, the mystery is actually a genuine one. Any character could conceivably be Kira, but they need to actually have a reason/explanation.

Also, I love that freaking nothing happens in IX. Contact. Seriously, it's just them having a conversation for a whole part.


	5. Chapter 5

And at long last, our tale is nearly complete. Find enclosed a 'How to Read', and Part XII, as well as a couple of notes on the series.

* * *

Billiam Lakeo'beere's

Raito and Lawliet

Chapter 5

How to Read

_Containing absolutely no useful notes for learning to read_

Setting: London, in a period of time which contradicts itself. Old fashioned but with Slayer, Red Bull and Ferraris. Telephones don't exist. Computers at the time are up to running Windows 98.

Cast:

Raito Yagami: a genius who has passed high school a year ahead of schedule and is taking a year break from doing anything rather than go to college. Resents his parents for no good reason, ignores and irritates them. Has recently begun a relationship with L.

Adolf Yagami: Raito's father, who Raito calls Hitler to annoy. In turn, has an actually accidental habit of calling him Light.

Sachiko Yagami: Raito's mother, who detests her son with a passion.

Sayu Yagami: Raito's sister, who is clever and motivated enough to support herself, in spite of being only fourteen. Considered "pretty" by Matsuda, which is pretty creepy.

L Lawliet: considers himself a genius and is. An intriguing young man who is in love with Raito. Enjoys sweet foods to a disturbing degree.

Near: actual name is Nate River. In love with L, will do anything for him to please him and get even a word of affection. Has red, blue and green curly hair that he is weirdly proud of. In denial about Raito and L. Thought of sometimes as more intelligent than L, which is idiotic as the exact inverse is stated explicitly and repeatedly.

Mello: actual name is Michelle Keehl. Also in love with L and will do anything for a kind word. Is morbidly obese, wears revolting tight fitting leather and eats huge amounts of chocolate. Also in denial about Raito and L.

Ryuk: a 'Shinigami', which translates from Japanese to 'god of death' but which actually means 'god of perversion'. Spied on Raito before Ryuk's own untimely death. Humanoid with long limbs and wings, able to fly and turn invisible.

Rem: another Shinigami, who fell in love with her human, an unimportant and never mentioned woman, and tried to commit suicide in Raito's house. Performed an unknown task for Raito in order to get her revenge against Kira, who Rem believes killed her human.

Van driver: a cheapskate who transports things to L's new house one at a time.

Matsuda: mentally challenged but well-meaning simpleton, is friendly to people, and enjoys simple games. Can be fooled unbelievably easily.

Quillsh Wammy: a slightly confused old man who runs the subdivision of his School for Orphaned Smartarses, which trains detectives.

Matt: dead, of lung cancer. Also used to worship L to a strange degree.

Mr. and Mrs. Penber: dinner guests, left because of Near's disturbing conversation and Raito's deliberate attempts to drive them away in order to irritate his parents.

The BotCuba Group: A group of eight robots from a Cuban cigar manufacturing company. Assigned to the 'murder division', their job was to murder the competitors to their own company. All deceased.

Aiber: true name Thierry Morrello, a complete nerd, who became one of L's aliases for an Internet game. Murdered by Kira.

Wedy: true name Mary Kenwood, a cat burglar who was nevertheless only ever seen talking to people on telephones and looking cool whilst riding a motorcycle. Murdered by Kira.

Teru Mikami: A crazed weirdo with an obsession with deleting things. Easily deluded into thinking people are gods when they are not.

Sidoh: A lazy stoner who has misplaced his car keys on at least one occasion and considers Mello hot, which as she's only fifteen (not to mention repulsive) is rather disturbing.

Kiyomi Takada: One of Raito's flames from high school, known for being undesirable and unrefined. Burned to death.

Takuo Shibuimaru: A smooth, suave, debonair, desirable man who is in no way a complete lowlife. Hit by a bus.

Hitoshi Demegawa: A clever, handsome, moral man, before his untimely death.

Halle Linder: Exactly the sort of person who would be flattered by Hitoshi Demegawa.

Y: of the rank 'genius detective', one who is trying to capture Kira the Ripper. May or may not be one of our characters or one we are still to meet.

Kira the Ripper: A serial killer, who presumably murders by stabbing people. Murders only criminals and those who are trying to capture him. May or may not be one of our characters or one we are still to meet. Has eliminated Z, J and B.

Z: An idiot who called himself an 'ultra detective' before his untimely death. Not one of the characters we know, was an unrelated person called Zed Zorc, hence his nickname.

J: True name is Jay Johnston, one of Kira's latest opponents before Kira disposed of him.

B: True name Bea 'the' Burritobandito, another of Kira's newest opponents, before she was murdered by Kira.

XII. So Who the Hell is Kira Already?

_Being the conclusion to the mystery and this tale_

Raito was rather disappointed to find that when L drove he sat rather normally. This depressed him for some reason. He studied the piece of paper in his hand, identical to the one L had had in the car when Raito got in.

_Come to 23 Yellowbox St. The identity of Kira the Ripper will be revealed at last._

L pulled into the street and parked outside number twenty-three. It was a small, one storey house. He and Raito got out of the car and walked into the house. To the right was a kitchen, further up and to the right was another room. At the back left of the house was a door and the back door, opposite the front, led to the backyard.

Arrows made of sticky tape on the floor pointed into the foremost room on the left.

Raito opened the door and he and L walked inside. It was a study, with another door leading to another room. A desk sat in the centre. Adolf Yagami leaned against the wall and Mello leaned against the opposite. Mello was deep-throating a Toblerone while looking directly at L. L ignored her. Wordlessly Adolf walked over to Raito and handed him a piece of paper, on which was written:

_When all five who have received letters have arrived, discuss the Kira case. Each of you have separate knowledge, and the truth will come to light._ The note was signed in a gothic 'T'.

"I found this on the desk, Light, along with this," Adolf said, handing him a plain black notebook. The words 'Stab Note' were written on the cover. Inside was written:

_This is an insane author/wizard's notebook._

_How to use it:_

_The human whose name is written in this note shall be stabbed. This note will not take effect unless the writer has the person's face in their mind while writing his/her name. Therefore, people sharing the same name will not be affected. The stabbing will happen within a day if possible, and in the quickest way possible, and only once._

_The person who is able to stab the person shall feel an initial compulsion to stab and know what they are to do, but be powerless to stop it._

_The Stab Note must be complete for its power to work. That is, if a piece is torn out it has no power. You must write in the actual notebook. If it is torn into pieces, the larger piece retains its power. If the larger piece is torn again, it is the larger of _those_ two pieces, and so on until the working fragment of the Stab Note is an eighth of its original size. Then, it no longer works. Burning also accomplishes this._

Raito breathed a sigh and handed it to L. There was silence for a minute, then Mello spoke. "Alright, I guess I'll begin. It's my observation that Y is Kira the Ripper. For a start, both Kira and Y publicly expressed dislike for Z, J and B. Then, soon afterwards, they all conveniently died. But Y remains alive."

"Unless Kira killed Y and is acting as him," noted L.

"Of course," said Mello, "But the Y who now exists is Kira. Wouldn't being both Kira and Y be the ultimate position? Also, within four months of us getting here, the case is almost solved. But Y, who had been working on the case for an entire year previously, had uncovered nothing."

Near walked into the room, absently toying with a fully white Rubik's cube.

"Oh right," said Mello, "We weren't supposed to start until all five of us were here. Hey- there's another thing. Y wasn't invited. Well, unless one of us is Y."

All the information so far was relayed to Near, who said, "Impressive, Mello." Mello was impassive.

"Yes, quite impressive," L added and Mello blushed a deep red, shoving chocolate truffles down her throat. Raito sighed.

"Alright, sorry for the people who also wanted to display their genius," he said, "But I'm going to solve this case now. You see, Kira wrote my name in the Stab Note. Remember, I got stabbed? Why, under normal circumstances, would the newspaper salesman stab me?" Raito paused. "Near is Y."

Near was stunned, silent. The white square he was in the process of peeling of his Rubik's cube fluttered slowly to the floor.

"But you admitted Kira was Y!" Adolf exclaimed.

"Ah yes," said L, raising an eyebrow in thought. "But Near is acting as Y to relieve pressure from the sudden influx of genius detectives..." He reached across, pulled a slice of watermelon out of Raito's cloak and began eating it.

Raito smiled. "That's right," he said, then continued. "The proof? The phrase 'poo-poos'. Kira wrote it on a wall once. Now, the clincher. How that relates to me. I happened to insult Quillsh Wammy once. A rock was thrown through the window, and it called me a poo-poo. That was just after Near, Mello and Matsuda arrived, and when Near became Y."

"Because he was going to meet Kira!" Mello exclaimed. She smiled and pulled a chocolate Death Note out of her leather pants, taking a bite with a loud snap.

"Does that mean that my son is Kira?" asked Adolf, horrified.

"Yes," said Near quietly, "Raito is Kira." L shook his head.

"No, Raito is not. But you are close. Near visited the correct house, as far as he knew. Was Adolf Yagami Kira, who tried to kill his son because of all the taunting he suffered- in silence? Was Sachiko Yagami Kira, who tried to kill her son because she suffered him not so silently, and hated him? No. Kira is the one who moved away when Raito started staying home full time, because she feared her brother's intelligence might undo her.

"Sayu Yagami is Kira. For safety reasons, she neglected to tell Near, with whom she was in correspondence, that she moved house. The letters they sent were redirected and Near never knew the difference. She did this to avoid suspicion, but she didn't expect Near to visit her old house. I'm guessing Near suggested she use the phrase 'poo-poos' to throw suspicion off herself, and give Near a chance to take the fall for her should she be trapped less completely than she is now. Near again displayed his genius by thinking this far ahead to when he knew he would one day be assigned to the Kira case.

"The reason for Near's devotion, when he could have placed less suspicion on himself and simply taken possession of the Stab Note in the event of Sayu's capture? Sayu Yagami, AKA Kira the Ripper, AKA Y, and Near, acting as Y, were boyfriend and girlfriend."

Raito grinned inwardly. _Thank you, L, for unknowingly suggesting I hadn't thought ahead as far as I have._

Adolf was silent, shocked. Near was so pale he looked like a sheet of paper, albeit one drawn on with crayons by a three year old. L, satisfied, pulled a Ryuk-headed Pez dispenser out of his back pocket, slid the bottom off and tipped all the candy into his mouth, crunching it loudly.

"So where is Sayu?" asked Mello. Raito opened a door and pulled Sayu out of it. She spat in his eye and while he was taken by surprise stole the Stab Note from him. She dived behind the desk, whipped out a pen and started scribbling.

"Ah!" Raito exclaimed, and snatched the pen.

"Too late! I wrote your name!" shouted Sayu, displaying the Stab Note. The words 'Raito Yagami' had been scribbled into it. Then Near pulled a knife from out of his jacket.

"My invitation said to bring a knife to capture Kira," Near said fearfully, gazing in horror at his hand as he advanced toward Raito. _I know it did,_ Raito thought smugly to himself, then flinched suddenly. Sayu's eyes widened. It all happened so quickly next. Near lunged forward and stabbed down, but Raito dropped down to the ground, facing the floor. The knife plunged into the wooden desk.

Adolf pulled a gun out and held it on Near. Sayu collapsed into the chair behind the desk. Mello, standing slightly in front of L to shield her hero with her remarkable bulk, continued eating, watching interestedly.

"Don't move, Near," Raito said, "You're being arrested for attempted murder."

"No!" shouted Near hysterically, trying pull his knife free, "It was the Stab Note that made me!" Before he could tug the knife free L kicked him in the chest, slamming him against the opposite wall.

"No, it wasn't," said Raito quietly, then stood up and turned towards Near. The pen he had stolen from Sayu was embedded deep in his left hand. "I stabbed myself," he proclaimed. "You tried to kill me of your own free will. Had I died, Hitler would have lost his composure and Sayu could have written his name without being shot."

Even as he said this, Sayu pulled out another pen and Adolf moved his gun to point it at her. Raito grinned.

"I set all this up," he proclaimed. "I sent out the invitations, I had a Shinigami tell me where Sayu hid the Note, and hide it herself somewhere different. Earlier I told Rem 'Kira is Sayu Yagami', and so Rem was able to tell me more about how Kira killed according to the shinigami's bizarre rules. She told me all about the Stab Note. And so I thought of this plan.

"I made up T, by the way. Hitler arrived first, with an earlier time on his invitation, and put the Stab Note on the desk. I knew Near would tell Sayu about this, so I knew she would wait here. I had Dad prepare things, to make myself seem like just another invitee. And if I'd used a fake notebook, Near would have felt no initial compulsion to stab me. I had to create a situation where I would not die even if my name was written in the Stab Note.

"Everything went just as planned."

"You mean exactly as planned," L put in.

Raito shook his head. "Of course I did, how silly of me. Anyway, Sayu... Why did you write my name in the Stab Note?"

"That..." his sister began, "Was an accident. I got your email, and I copied down, ah, I think it was 'Raito Yagami- Easter visit- get back to'. Anyway, I had the Stab Note open in front of me, so that's how I wrote your name in it."

Raito calmly took the Stab Note from of the unresisting Sayu, and Adolf calmly walked over to Near and punched him in the jaw.

"That's for trying to kill my son... And for dating my daughter without my permission."

ooo

Matsuda and his friend Ide were driving. They passed L and Raito, to whom the focus now moved. The two were smiling. Sayu had been let off on a technicality and stopped murdering people, however Near had died due to a clerical error. Mello was as fat as ever, back at Quillsh Wammy's School for Orphaned Smartarses. Sachiko had disowned Raito following his refusal to marry Misa- and in part his antics at the latest failed dinner party- not to mention the mess in which Ryuk's exploding had left his room- and kicked him out of the house, and so Raito moved in with L.

Raito, beaming, slipped his hand into L's. L wore a similar radiant expression, and squeezed Raito's hand slightly.

Later, under the light of the crescent moon, members of the United Candle Federation held candles, heads bowed. One of them looked kind of like Misa Amane, but wasn't.

THE END

Production Notes

_Being a stupid name for some author's notes_

Well, I finished this thing. Sure took me a while.

Thanks to the single person who reviewed. I appreciated it.

Random bits of pointless trivia:

Until I reread Death Note shortly before uploading this chapter, I thought Mello's true name was Mikael, not Mihael, which is why Mello's name in this fic is Michelle Keehl.

I dislike Near, but not Misa. I just think Misa dying after her first appearance worked.

I am pro-Kira.

I've never read Romeo and Juliet.

Yeah. So anyway, hope you enjoyed this, drop a review if you did.


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